The Fanciful Musings of Severus Snape
by NicestSpawnOfSatanYouNeverMet
Summary: Uncomfortably explicit details of the personal life of the world's greatest potions master.


What is life?

Is it a torturous awkward silence which we must endure?

Or rather is it something that can be manipulated so pleasure will spew out of its pores.

How rude of me,

Let me introduce myself.

I am Professor Severus Snape,

The potions master at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.

Or at least, I am normally there,

But since it is the summer I am stuck to dwell in my "crappy crib" as the local teenagers call it.

Oh, and these local teenagers are muggles.

Yes, I, the most prestigious of all professors of magic,

Live in one of the worst muggle neighborhoods in Warwick, England.

I pace on the heavily stained and treaded down carpet of my one story shack.

What is life?

Is there a purpose to it other than trying to ruin children's lives, hopes and dreams?

Hmmm…

This brings a smile to my face,

Which has not appeared since some local children complemented my hair.

They said, "Hey, man, nice hair," in between hysterical laughter and puffs on their cigarettes.

It's moments like these that make me appreciate life

And maybe even children too.

Nope, not children.

They were so young and innocent,

Not a hint of sarcasm in their voices.

Not at all like pricks that I have to teach.

Oh, did I say pricks, no that's improper,

They are definitely complete bastards.

I twist a tendril of my luscious hair between my fingers,

The grease coats my finger heavily and makes it glint ominously in the flickering candle light.

It's so perfect.

My one beauty and love in my life,

Is my hair.

I can tell by the way people's lips curl when they see my hair

That they wish it grew from their heads.

And when I let a bit sweep across their face,

They all vomit due to jealousy.

After being mesmerized for a good thirty minutes,

I head over to my beaten and stained sofa,

To watch some dreadful muggle television.

I click on the tellie to find that dreadful old show on again.

The title leads one to assume there are snakes

(which was initially why I started watching it)

But so far I have not seen a single snake.

They are doing that dreadful skit where the men dress up as old women

And they put on screechy voices and pretend to be real women.

Watching this brings back a strong memory of Dumbledore's birthday party last year.

Remembering this triggers a brief bout of vomiting which was rudely interrupted by some scratching at the door.

I wipe my mouth on my gorgeous billowing robes, and walk to the door.

An owl has delivered a letter that is clearly from Dumbledore

Because of the swirly writing and the fact that it is dripping due to all the perfume sprayed on it.

I throw the sopping envelope onto my desk which holds another letter, from the Malfoys.

If there is anything I hate more than letters from rich parents

Asking if I can babysit their nearly grown son for the summer

Because they are going on a cruise of the Caribbean without him,

It is the fact that Dumbledore actually thinks _Manly Musk in the Morning_ smells good, and the fact that once his letter enters my house, my whole home smells like a musky man in the morning for a week.

I quickly open the letter which then dumps

Some more of that appalling perfume all over my striking shoes.

I read the letter, throw up a little bit in the back of my mouth, and then read it again,

To make sure I had read it right.

My body falls to the floor,

The letter fluttering from my hands into a puddle of my newt's urine.

I twitch for a good four hours there on the floor,

As the sentences run over and over again in my mind.

_Failed students will live with you._

_You failed students this past school year._

_Failed students will live with you._

_In order for them to learn, you will tutor them._

_Failed students will live with you._

_They will stay in your home until tutoring process is over._

_Failed students will live with you._

_Tutoring process will last at least a month._

_Failed students will live with you._

_At least a month…_

_Failed students will live with you at least a month!_

I rise to my dignity and feet and hold my head in my hands.

Curses, Dumbledore, he's such a chic ignoramus!

If only he knew I only failed students,

Not because they lacked proficiency in the art of potions,

But rather because I loathed them

With the utter entirety of my essence.

And now I would be tortured to teach them!

Not just teach them, but have them

In my surroundings,

In Warwick,

In my neighborhood,

In my house,

In my company,

In my room,

In my bed-

No! No! I got a bit carried away there!

That is not what I meant!

As I pace across the floor,

I ponder my predicament.

Why I, such an innocent,

Caring, and considerate man,

Would deserve such a fate.

I flip over the letter and read the list

Of students who will stay with me.

Six students.

Six.

The number of Satin.

Wait, I misspelled that, I meant Satan.

What if Satan wore satin.

It would be ironic,

But look so good.

I would look good in satin,

Long and billowing,

As soft as the gentle curves of my body,

No! I'm getting off track!

The six terrible students,

Coming here to dwell with me,

Besides also Malfoy

Whose parents will be dropping him off.

I wish I could give Luscious a piece of my mind.

Oops, another spelling error, I meant Lucius.

Then again, he does have luscious hair.

I do envy him for that,

Though my hair is quite luscious as well

With a gentle glimmer that entrances the mind,

Awakens the senses,

And kindles that little burning deep in your-

No! Off topic again!

I sit back on my sofa,

And the weight of the oncoming events

Crushes down on me,

Quite like that time Hagrid got drunk

And thought I was a chair.

A gorgeous chair

Made of the finest black satin.

Black satin,

I would look so good in satin.

Note to self, buy satin robes.

Author's Note: If you actually got to the end of reading this, congratulations, you are extremely tolerant of me and my writing. If you didn't, well you won't be reading this anyway then… If you could please review this, that would be great, and if you think it sucks and is not worth a review, then please review anyways and tell me what I should do differently (note: saying I should go crawl in a hole and die does not count). Thanks!


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